2.30s

How 2.30s in my life has changed?

My faintest memory of afternoon 2.30 is of summer of 1989 is. Didi would come jumping around from school, hug me and shower her kisses on me. Mummy would ask both of us to go for shower and didi and I will sing:

 I hear thunder, I hear thunder.

Hark don't you? Hark don't you? 

Pitter, patter raindrops, 

Pitter, patter raindrops,

I'm wet through; so are you.

I would laugh at my loudest. Seeing her singing gave such adrenaline rush. One of the most absolute form of happiness, I can recall from the initial years of my life. I would clap and dance. Mummy would come and wrap both of us in towel. Lunch  was followed by afternoon siesta. Papa would try to sing to make us sleep and didi and I would silently giggle at his attempts waiting him to sleep. We would quietly slip away for our singing, jumping, dancing.

It was 1995. I was happy that papa was transferred to a nice place. Only because I changed my school and I could spend more time at home doing nothing than sleeping on my sister’s lap in school bus. The new school was just ten minutes walk. 2.30 was the time when I would be finishing my lunch. I would be painting after that. I had this nice drawing note book with camel poster colors. These were my prized possessions. I also had brushes of all the number. All my life will be focused on 2.30 afternoon drawing sessions. There was a big study table in our room which didi used. I was very attached to the school uniform especially the white shirt; the only oddness in otherwise colorful 2.30s. Mum would scream at me but I would never change. It was only during evening that I would change. What a moment of solitude it used to be. Starting from 2.30, everybody at home would be taking the afternoon nap and I would secretly paint. Secretly because mum expected me to take rest but I discovered in me the indefatigable painter.

2004, we would be sitting in lab, waiting for the titration results to come or Frog's muscle twitching. Those centrifugation tubes, pipette, titration experiments. There were no chairs in the lab. I would always wear my torn jeans so that when diluted hydrochloric acid falls on my jeans, I would not regret. We looked like those car mechanics with greased white lab coats. I so much hated these 2.30s. There was nothing exciting about them. All I would look for will be running away, escaping to some unknown territory away from that four walled laboratory. I would have those silent tears in my heart.

2009, I will be sitting in environment law classes discussing polluter pays principles, M.C Mehta’s cases, wildlife protection act, Public Interest Litigations. How much engrossed I would be. The next class would talk about diminishing resources, optimization and marginal utilities. I was glad to be away from four walls of lab but that longing for siesta would often remain especially triggered by the lectures.

2013, I am supposed to be analyzing policies, intricacies of what renaissance forestry sector in India needs and the description of this 2.30 is shortest. Probably, I left my heart in 2.30 of summer of 1989 and I never use brain when I visit ‘catharsis’

Soliloquy

I am healing, I am not growing. I am perfectly fine. You cannot grow until you have retained your original self. I dipped to negative, I thought I was growing but I was slipping into nadir sooner than soon. It scared me. Those lonely dark nights when all I did was staring at the stars, the gaze becoming hazier due to waterfalls in the eye. The salty liquid kissing my lips and touching my tongue. It was all so real. The ‘renaissance’ man did that to me. I forgot my benchmarks; I started living a life of hallucination. Simple things stopped mattering to me. Nothing seemed important but chase. After all when you run, then only you feel the pleasure. Then only you lose yourself. Chase and you become synonymous. But here I am tonight. I bruised myself running so much so that I can’t run anymore. I disappointed Renaissance man. I thought I will be healed but then chase will suffer if anyone waited for me to get healed. I now here in the dirt, the mud; believe it as my reality. The cold mud soothes me. I take deep breaths. I can’t run further. I am enjoying this dirt. It comforts me. I can still see the Renaissance man running as fast he could. He looked back at me. That one gaze infused a gush of energy. I tried gaining inertia again but I fell and mud is soothing me. This healing seems eternal.

Trivia

Happiness, how you chase it and how it eludes. My dear grandfather used to tell me, ‘the world is within. You really think you need to see whole of it to be happy?’ I would always label this kind of statement as preachy and in my head will tell myself ‘he is a crazy old man who will not understand my generation’. Now when he is not here, I miss his preachy talks.  At the peak of depression when I had no clue what will keep me happy, it was his lines which helped me. My world is within. External stimulus just helps in perceiving things but the power of perception is within. Probably I had lost that. Those silent minutes of conversations with myself every night has helped me tremendously. Happiness I realized lie in simple things:

1. Exercise: What I liked about my grandfather was his formidable freedom. In his 70s,  he could be free because he was physically fit. An hour of running makes you feel like an achiever. The incremental speed you achieve each day is like a blessing you receive from god.
2.   Money:  Earn more. Money gives you happiness and freedom to exercise your will. You might have a great support system around you but then you should be really possessive about your earnings. It keeps you contended and happy.
3.  Job/ career: Do your job. May be it’s just a halting place before you really do what you wanted to do but it’s paying you. Get it done and value it. There are lots of people who are craving to get it. May be your job was a career for them.
4.   Sleep: If you can have 7-8 hours of sleep every night, you can’t ask for anything more
5.  People: Pessimism is dangerous. Avoid people who waste time on just brooding and want you to listen to their negativity in pretext of being realistic. Stop helping people who can help themselves. Don’t be comforting at the cost of your own basic minimal comfort. Morality and humanity could be dangerous sometimes.
6. Family: Spend time with them. They may not be the people who are exactly compatible with you but they are the ones who will stand by you in your thick and thin. Don’t distance yourself with them.
7.   Eat healthy: I have started enjoying my diet a lot since the time I am doing my own cooking. Eat fruits. An apple makes my day. J So much so that I miss it when eat when I don’t have it.
8.  Reading/ Intense conversations: I think both helps me in unfolding the layers within me. I come closer to myself but be careful about what you read and who you converse with.
9.   Be Social: Meeting people helps. It does not mean you have to cut open your heart and start sharing things but light conversations, sharing common interests and being nice to people helps. Do little things to make your friend’s happy.
10.  Love J : Stop finding it. It comes in little ways. It tickles can stay or just go. Make peace with it. J

As Heisenberg says, ‘It’s impossible to determine position and momentum simultaneously’, I don’t know my position but this momentum which little things have built in me keeps me going. 

Diary Entry

Sia loves these lonely journeys where she can just shut her head for few hours. Surrounded by strangers, she knows she has to shut her mind and heart and be an island, and just say occasional thank yous and excuse mes if needed. What a relief it is to be in the stratosphere, where none can reach you, especially the known ones. Often she would close her eyes and let feelings play in her heart like kids. She allows the heart to take over. The kids playing want to be heard and dance fearlessly before she lands in the known world again.

You were the cutest thing that could have happened. I never thought I could get attracted to someone as fat as you ever. Did you ever see how sleek and fit I was. Your giant persona of seventy two inches was something I would not detest but also would never find complementary. God has always done this to me. He makes me shed my beliefs. You were such a strange combination of paradoxes. Your giant persona in black combined with that innocence of a kid. Your strange ways of trying to get romantic were bold yet so chivalrous. How unimpressive and disgusting it could be to hear about drugs during the first date, yet when you showed your chillam, I could not stop smiling. How hard you tried to dance and deal with my flexibility. You gave it up in a strange way. You allowed me to fall but in your arms. The funniest was that you made me eat junk food so that it initiates the beginning of what we could aim to be; a socially acceptable couple. You were so happy to see a fatter me; yet it nowhere matched what you were. Whatever we shared was also such a strange combination. I looked like a kitten in front of you; me sixty inches and you seventy two inches. I liked it when you claimed to be sixty nine inches and not seventy two. Immediately after you said I don’t think you are sixty inches. You appear to be sixty three inches. That makes the difference lesser. Also, when you gave up on make me trying to eat junk food and reach your obesity level, you started to think seriously about working out. I loved it.How you held my hand tightly when we were crossing the road. You did not even ask me. I have been crossing roads all alone for one and a half decades now. Getting up in the morning surrounded in your fat arms; it would give me so much cushion in life.  So much warmth and affection they had. It felt that I have a safe mini world in this bigger world. You know how it is with those Russian dolls; one inside the other. I loved it when I could so comfortably slipped into your arms in the taxi and sleep. I loved it when you held me tighter while I was asleep. I loved that kiss on the forehead before you dared to kiss me on lips. How you held me tightly when I was falling off after that hangover. That 5 am long drive in the morning is one of the most special morning I can remember.  How could you see the softer side so easily? How you could let femininity take over feminism.

The flight landed.  The heart was in hind sight now, kids had hidden themselves somewhere. Head took over and his words echoed, ‘I don’t think we can be together.because of obvious differences.’ She wondered what she should believe in; heart or head. She chose head and had a sound sleep after stabbing her heart for the nth time. Kids have to grow up someday.

Lighthouses and icebergs

There are so many lighthouses in my life. Especially with a decade alone in this city, there are moments when I feel like a sinking ship in the dark. These are the days when I have not done much work. Interestingly not working causes more stress to me than being busy throughout the day . I make sure that I am running, exercising or socializing so that my body and mind gets tired when I go to bed at the end of the day. Now there are days when I am very depressed especially because I have not worked enough. The worst part is I always realize about this depression during bed time and it causes unbearable insomnia. Anyways,  this one is about how I tackle these depressed states. So as I told earlier about me being a directionless ship during these days sailing in the dark. Now, I have lighthouses in my life. So my friend ‘A’ is a really nice girl. Even if she is bogged down in life, she would always smile and tell me,’ Be Positive’J. I love her persistence to be positive. Even though it does not seem to cause much incremental progress in positivity in her life, I often sympathize and become positive.  Lighthouse B is different case altogether. He appears as a chronic depressed but I like him. He talks about the concept of positive neutrality which means you should neither be positive nor negative. Accept that life is gross and its sole purpose is not always hedonic fun. I like the concept. It does not help in being positive but then I tell myself life is gross. It could have been worse. It does help me in some ways. J Now coming to my favorite lighthouse C.  C lits up my face like none does. He is someone who just needs to look at you once to cheer you up. I don’t understand what he talks but then his face has so much glow. He is less intelligent but what I love is that he knows he is less intelligent. With him life seems to be the best things that ever happened to me. It appears to me that all I want is this sort of dumbness when life gets dry and overloaded with intellect. You see there is wisdom in dumbness too. J

About icebergs I’ll talk later. Off to bed now!

Escape

Of late everything looks like mechanism to survive.

I feel like going on a sabbatical to figure out what life is. Was the grandiose I always associated with it exists actually? A lot has been said about human life, how we are different from other lower forms of animals. I wonder why we say all this. We also eat, shit, sleep and breed. How are we different? Now, don’t give me that crap about human brain size. We have just used our brain to breed more and create another level of speciation within human species; rich –poor, male-female, literate-illiterate, modern –traditional; the list goes on. Sometime I feel there is a nerve which goes straight from the brains to genital and all attempts have been to prove Malthus wrong.  The only quest which Homo sapiens seems to have is to find out how to breed and feed more each day to support our ‘mankind’?

It’s all machinations of culture which teach us wrong things. We spend quarter of life to learn to fit ourselves in the system. If lucky enough, we get enlightenment and opportunity to unlearn what we have learnt. How much time that leaves us with to live actually? By the time I figure out what life means to me, I am on deathbed. All wisdom flows only during the penultimate days. I wonder if Buddha ever lived. After he saw the travails of senescence and began the quest for life, what his life meant? Did he live? Could he love? What was beyond realizations?

Ever wondered how much pain it causes initially to unlearn even one thing which your upbringing has taught you. I remember my initial years away from way. How difficult it was to change my eating habits, speak to new people, and avoid comforting things and sleeping patterns. It took me years to unlearn these and learn the new ones. This cycle of unlearning and learning is continuing and I wonder what I am doing. In this whiling away of time, am I living?

I want to go away. I want to taste 'LIFE' once.

What kind of people you should avoid talking to?

What kind of people you should avoid talking to?

1.       The forever negative ones: Being ever positive, you are bound to get attracted to those ever negative ones. Their pull is as strong as gravitational pull and believe me it’s hard to escape. At first instance you would feel this urge to understand them, and that’s where you get trapped in mindless and endless discussions. I feel that being positive requires effort and once you have reached the level, just ignore any downfall. Respect your efforts.

2.       The ‘intellectuals’: You name a book and they have read it. After reading all the possible literature available on the planet, they have unlearnt their worldly ways. There are men who would blog and brag about women’s safety but would conveniently ask their female friends to manage themselves at odd hours after a late evening party. Well, you are a ‘feminist’ and a strong woman; you could have figured it out yourself. Feminism always comes in a way of chivalry.  Also, I know some ‘feminists’ who had their glory during college years while making grand speeches. The years after college, I see them as absolute ‘normal’ women producing fat babies, depending absolutely on their husbands and in many cases dragging relationships in which they are unhappy. They say they were naïve back then. They still read a lot because they have to transfer their ‘feminism’ to their kids.

3.       The convenience lovers: We all love convenience but there are times when we don’t mind travelling extra miles for loved ones. Well, this category would always prioritize and since you would not be making their life any convenient, you would be the last priority always. Ranking in the priority list is directly proportional to the convenience.  Just chuck them out!

4.       The ambitious ones:  Now this is the category between 25-30. They still have unfinished tasks from their earlier 20s and they would be forever busy in achieving them. You mention about work-life balance and they would hang you because work is worship and dare you talk about chilling around and having a life.

5.       The self –obsessed: They would start with ‘I believe’, ‘I think’ and ‘according to me’. You keep waiting that your chance to talk would come once. You actually get it but then you see yourself talking about them. Such is a power of ‘I’. It’s painful to be with such people. Plain ignore.

I deal with all these kinds on daily basis so I know what it means. The worse is that they don’t realize that how intolerable they are and what a favor people do by even showing faces to these losers. Anyways, back to work!! It’s work-life-love-hate balance after all. 

Exiting Quarter Life Crisis

Now in the wrong side of 20s, I often ponder on what best and worse I did with my life in these years. I guess I am exiting my mid life crisis phase with some strong foundations and realizations to build up on. Some regrets, great lessons and strong realizations.

Regrets L

1. I still think I would have been a very good weight lifter and a runner if I have started earlier. Well, what was I doing back then? At 16, I was juggling between my medical coaching classes and school syllabus. I did not become a doctor for which I have no regret but I wasted so much tried hard to become one, that’s the biggest regret. I could have spend my time doing something I really likes; cycling, running and weight lifting, probably.

2.       I wanted to study law and policy. Instead I studied life sciences. Anything remotely related to humanities was not considered respectable enough to be studied in the small town I grew up in, especially for the brighter lot and toppers. It was only after a while I realized that scoring is not giving me any happiness.  Thankfully, somehow I managed to become a policy analyst by making my way but then I struggled. It would have been easier if only I would have studied these subjects at the bachelor’s level.

3.       I could have befriended some people who I really wanted to befriend. Most of the times I was so much in awe with their aura that I was hesitant to talk to them. I had a crush on a boy in school who I could never say anything only because I thought he is too good for me. The myth broke after some years when he proposed to me.  Till this time, I stayed in the illusion that he is the reincarnation of some Greek god carved for me. I still regret not telling him on time. I could have saved so much time (his and mine) by moving on earlier.

4.       I could have been nicer to some people. I always expressed my hatred and dislike in absolute blunt way. In the process I have been very harsh to some people. I now realize that they are good people and I have hurt them just because I did not agree to them.  I was a difficult teenager, who was always ready with flurry of questions. I looked down upon people just because they could not answer my questions. They all remember me as a rudest person alive on this planet.  L .Sometimes it’s important to overlook the differences and focus on similarities.

5.       I could have spent some more time with my grandparents. They were special; someone with divine powers. My roots came from them. That level of connectivity, I don’t feel with anyone but then I have lost them. Those unfinished conversations, those gifts which I always wanted to buy for them and those travel plans which we often discussed on phones; it all hurts terribly when I know I don’t have them anymore. This is probably the biggest regret of my life.

6.       I should have worn whatever I felt like wearing at 22. I always used to think I am too fat to wear my favorite dresses. Well, I realize I am fatter now but the craving to wear those clothes is still alive. J

The best things I have done till now:

1.       I fell in love deeply, passionately and madly. I lived all the quotes which people write about selfless love. I experimented with all of them and I am proud to say that with tremendous amount of pain you endure in selfless love, the better person you become. You would love yourself for doing do it. It brings peace after initial upheavals. Your character is strengthened.

2.       I read a lot. I am so proud of becoming a voracious reader in these years. I feel proud of that fact that I have bunked all the useless lab work to do what I really liked doing; reading. I became courageous to the extent of flunking in some subjects but then it did not deter me from doing what I liked doing. J

3.       I started working on my fitness. With the BMI levels going up, I could no longer take my physical self for granted. I feel proud to have a stamina where I can work out for non-stop hours. With new pain you discover a new physical self, a territory which was hidden from you. You just invade a part of your body each day. Feels like a conquistador!

4.       I have a great collection of Indian ethnic wear. J As a tomboy, I would just be in my jeans and t-shirts all the time. The hassle of putting something nicer but inconvenient never made any sense to me. I have realized that being feminine is so beautiful. It is a special gift and need not be taken for granted. I try to dress up the perfect Indian way whenever I find the time and occasion to do so.

5.       I learnt to respect differences. I have encountered some of the most unpleasant personalities in these years. They were not bad people though; somehow they always had something good to offer. They were harsh. I call them ‘renaissance’ men/women. Often they took my politeness as meekness. It did not matter to me much. I realize that sticking to uncomfortable people till the time you feel its worth is good.  J

6.       I travelled a lot and I am still continuing. I think travelling to unexplored territories helps in stretching your own personal dimension. It happened when I visited ghost town of Dhanushkodi in the southernmost tip of the country. Also sleeping in two sleeping bags in shepherd’s house at an altitude of 5000 m in Ladakh was something which makes me appreciate the privileges of my life all the more.  The feeling that I came back alive after these experiences was great.

Helter skelter

Have you ever realized we all are patients? Sometimes I just become stationery and see the world moving around me. People running helter –skelter in all the possible directions to find out what are they here for. Investment bankers seeing those figures going higher up, researchers just thinking how to publish more and more papers, a man I met in the hinterland working hard each day so that his son lives a better life, my best friend burning midnight oil so that she becomes an Indian beaurcrat. It seems everyone wants to run faster than yesterday. I am a slow learner. I would always come last in the hundred meter relay races where I was supposed to beat others. I never got this logic of beating up quite clearly. Also my dear daddy would ask me to chill around all the time. So we never did anything of those sorts. I still get confused when someone asks me to abide by deadlines. How can I ever produce a masterpiece if it has to meet a deadline? I would be producing an average work and if that is what is required, ask an average person. Why me? I understand that the world does not run my way. May be I am just an atom in this whole set of arrangement. Like those atoms arranged in a fashion to for diamond. If they would have been arranged differently, they would form a coal; the same carbon atoms. In chemistry exams, I would never answer it this way. The idea of getting higher marks and becoming center of attraction scared me. May be as an atom I am not supposed to know about this purpose or may be just incapable of understanding the enormity of universal existence. Just may be, I am thinking aloud. I know after finishing this post, I would also start running directionless. That is what I do when I am out of this stationery phase. I don't have many choices.

Men's Right

So I thought it was women only who were tethered to their homes and if not, a GPS would sure be installed on them by their parents to know the exact latitude and longitude. I think I am turning into a radical feminist each day. It’s been twelve years I have left home and since then my ideae  of absolute freedom are growing exponentially without any cultural influence. I live a life bounded only by time and space. When I see a lot of females of my age-group being answerable to their parents, boyfriends and partners for every little thing, I feel this pain in my heart. I wonder why they are not sure of what they do. Why do they take permission before living? Why are they not feminists? 

But, is this the story of females only. I am surprised to find out that it is not. I have male friends who are not allowed to go for night out parties because their parents think that it is unsafe to roam around in the city. The other day I was with a guy friend in a car chi chatting usual stuff. His parents called up four times in twenty minutes to ask where he was. It was 10.00 pm at night. He looked terrified every time his phone rang. I had to calm him down. I looked at my phone. The battery had gone off and it was switched off. I also realized that I need to go back home because after a tired day in office, my father and I love to chat on phone for five minutes daily. This has been our routine for twelve years now. Not for a second, I thought that there is anybody in the world who could hound me like this. He is twenty six now yet he is not free. My heart was full of pity.

I wonder what creates this psyche of owning people. Why are relationships based on fear of losing? Why do we want to put people in lockers? I thought that the only shit which comes to the world is by patriarchy but matriarchy is equally suffocating. The other day my friend told me about his landlady who confiscates the phone of his twenty five year old son at 9.30 pm sharp so that he does not talk to his girlfriend. She is scared to share her love. Insecurity broods because of various reasons. In this case it is lack of career and shunning by husband. One has to exercise control over something but the only problem is that most people don’t understand that it is to be on ‘self’ and none.

Sometimes I feel hesitant to ask my guy friends out for dinner or late night parties. I don’t want mums, sisters and partners to interrogate him for hours about where he has been and who is the ‘mer-maid’ he is hanging around with of late. For the same reason, I am scared to fall in love with them also. I don't want any sort of extended control on my life. 

Feeling empowered enough, I feel it's the time to work for men's empowerment for the gentlemen who are my fabulous friends. 

Golden Nostalgia

She would just type two lines and delete, the activity oscillating for two continuous hours with just the names of recipients changing every time. The number of names from the best friends in school to college. All she wanted was to share, in all its objectivity and straightforwardness of the gory details of kind of emotional upheavals she goes through, every single second. The minute she gets up, the minutes she does all the household chores, and the minutes she tries hard to sleep. Nothing comforts. She has to live two lives, one normal for others and one genuine for herself. She has not been torn into two halves yet. Many a times it just feels that her life has lost the elasticity to come back and integrate the two identities.

As she saw his grey white hair, she looked herself into the mirror. She looked beautiful not in the conventional sense but those specific details she remembers. ‘Your eyes talk a lot. Let’s talk without talking’. She smiled at herself. Back from the hindsight, she started doing household chores. That’s how she would relive those golden moments. Sia quickly gave him a glass of water. He was tired. Married for grand old twenty five years, her life seemed to have everything. She could adjust to all what life offered. The only disturbance was that banging in the inner head. She remembered how she made the tough choice between shutting up the world and shutting up her inner self. At twenty nine, shutting up herself seemed lot easier. She had already burnt her hands so many times and she did not have any time to calm down her scared mind and let it bang her with questions again. With all her fury, she asked it to shut up and went ahead with the decision to marry Sarvin. She did not know him from before. Her friends told her that things would probably fall in place. Afterall she has grown too old to cling to ideas like soul mates. Her parents were growing old and she could not see those additional wrinkles coming up on their forehead. She loved Rashid but did not love him enough to see a soul mate. She married Sarvin.

Now when she sleeps next to Sarvin, she turns her back towards him and again slips into the hindsight,’ Let’s talk. Your eyes only please’. Rashid said. She smiled and wondered what if she had a time machine.