Trivia

Happiness, how you chase it and how it eludes. My dear grandfather used to tell me, ‘the world is within. You really think you need to see whole of it to be happy?’ I would always label this kind of statement as preachy and in my head will tell myself ‘he is a crazy old man who will not understand my generation’. Now when he is not here, I miss his preachy talks.  At the peak of depression when I had no clue what will keep me happy, it was his lines which helped me. My world is within. External stimulus just helps in perceiving things but the power of perception is within. Probably I had lost that. Those silent minutes of conversations with myself every night has helped me tremendously. Happiness I realized lie in simple things:

1. Exercise: What I liked about my grandfather was his formidable freedom. In his 70s,  he could be free because he was physically fit. An hour of running makes you feel like an achiever. The incremental speed you achieve each day is like a blessing you receive from god.
2.   Money:  Earn more. Money gives you happiness and freedom to exercise your will. You might have a great support system around you but then you should be really possessive about your earnings. It keeps you contended and happy.
3.  Job/ career: Do your job. May be it’s just a halting place before you really do what you wanted to do but it’s paying you. Get it done and value it. There are lots of people who are craving to get it. May be your job was a career for them.
4.   Sleep: If you can have 7-8 hours of sleep every night, you can’t ask for anything more
5.  People: Pessimism is dangerous. Avoid people who waste time on just brooding and want you to listen to their negativity in pretext of being realistic. Stop helping people who can help themselves. Don’t be comforting at the cost of your own basic minimal comfort. Morality and humanity could be dangerous sometimes.
6. Family: Spend time with them. They may not be the people who are exactly compatible with you but they are the ones who will stand by you in your thick and thin. Don’t distance yourself with them.
7.   Eat healthy: I have started enjoying my diet a lot since the time I am doing my own cooking. Eat fruits. An apple makes my day. J So much so that I miss it when eat when I don’t have it.
8.  Reading/ Intense conversations: I think both helps me in unfolding the layers within me. I come closer to myself but be careful about what you read and who you converse with.
9.   Be Social: Meeting people helps. It does not mean you have to cut open your heart and start sharing things but light conversations, sharing common interests and being nice to people helps. Do little things to make your friend’s happy.
10.  Love J : Stop finding it. It comes in little ways. It tickles can stay or just go. Make peace with it. J

As Heisenberg says, ‘It’s impossible to determine position and momentum simultaneously’, I don’t know my position but this momentum which little things have built in me keeps me going. 

Diary Entry

Sia loves these lonely journeys where she can just shut her head for few hours. Surrounded by strangers, she knows she has to shut her mind and heart and be an island, and just say occasional thank yous and excuse mes if needed. What a relief it is to be in the stratosphere, where none can reach you, especially the known ones. Often she would close her eyes and let feelings play in her heart like kids. She allows the heart to take over. The kids playing want to be heard and dance fearlessly before she lands in the known world again.

You were the cutest thing that could have happened. I never thought I could get attracted to someone as fat as you ever. Did you ever see how sleek and fit I was. Your giant persona of seventy two inches was something I would not detest but also would never find complementary. God has always done this to me. He makes me shed my beliefs. You were such a strange combination of paradoxes. Your giant persona in black combined with that innocence of a kid. Your strange ways of trying to get romantic were bold yet so chivalrous. How unimpressive and disgusting it could be to hear about drugs during the first date, yet when you showed your chillam, I could not stop smiling. How hard you tried to dance and deal with my flexibility. You gave it up in a strange way. You allowed me to fall but in your arms. The funniest was that you made me eat junk food so that it initiates the beginning of what we could aim to be; a socially acceptable couple. You were so happy to see a fatter me; yet it nowhere matched what you were. Whatever we shared was also such a strange combination. I looked like a kitten in front of you; me sixty inches and you seventy two inches. I liked it when you claimed to be sixty nine inches and not seventy two. Immediately after you said I don’t think you are sixty inches. You appear to be sixty three inches. That makes the difference lesser. Also, when you gave up on make me trying to eat junk food and reach your obesity level, you started to think seriously about working out. I loved it.How you held my hand tightly when we were crossing the road. You did not even ask me. I have been crossing roads all alone for one and a half decades now. Getting up in the morning surrounded in your fat arms; it would give me so much cushion in life.  So much warmth and affection they had. It felt that I have a safe mini world in this bigger world. You know how it is with those Russian dolls; one inside the other. I loved it when I could so comfortably slipped into your arms in the taxi and sleep. I loved it when you held me tighter while I was asleep. I loved that kiss on the forehead before you dared to kiss me on lips. How you held me tightly when I was falling off after that hangover. That 5 am long drive in the morning is one of the most special morning I can remember.  How could you see the softer side so easily? How you could let femininity take over feminism.

The flight landed.  The heart was in hind sight now, kids had hidden themselves somewhere. Head took over and his words echoed, ‘I don’t think we can be together.because of obvious differences.’ She wondered what she should believe in; heart or head. She chose head and had a sound sleep after stabbing her heart for the nth time. Kids have to grow up someday.