Golden Nostalgia

She would just type two lines and delete, the activity oscillating for two continuous hours with just the names of recipients changing every time. The number of names from the best friends in school to college. All she wanted was to share, in all its objectivity and straightforwardness of the gory details of kind of emotional upheavals she goes through, every single second. The minute she gets up, the minutes she does all the household chores, and the minutes she tries hard to sleep. Nothing comforts. She has to live two lives, one normal for others and one genuine for herself. She has not been torn into two halves yet. Many a times it just feels that her life has lost the elasticity to come back and integrate the two identities.

As she saw his grey white hair, she looked herself into the mirror. She looked beautiful not in the conventional sense but those specific details she remembers. ‘Your eyes talk a lot. Let’s talk without talking’. She smiled at herself. Back from the hindsight, she started doing household chores. That’s how she would relive those golden moments. Sia quickly gave him a glass of water. He was tired. Married for grand old twenty five years, her life seemed to have everything. She could adjust to all what life offered. The only disturbance was that banging in the inner head. She remembered how she made the tough choice between shutting up the world and shutting up her inner self. At twenty nine, shutting up herself seemed lot easier. She had already burnt her hands so many times and she did not have any time to calm down her scared mind and let it bang her with questions again. With all her fury, she asked it to shut up and went ahead with the decision to marry Sarvin. She did not know him from before. Her friends told her that things would probably fall in place. Afterall she has grown too old to cling to ideas like soul mates. Her parents were growing old and she could not see those additional wrinkles coming up on their forehead. She loved Rashid but did not love him enough to see a soul mate. She married Sarvin.

Now when she sleeps next to Sarvin, she turns her back towards him and again slips into the hindsight,’ Let’s talk. Your eyes only please’. Rashid said. She smiled and wondered what if she had a time machine.