Golden Nostalgia

She would just type two lines and delete, the activity oscillating for two continuous hours with just the names of recipients changing every time. The number of names from the best friends in school to college. All she wanted was to share, in all its objectivity and straightforwardness of the gory details of kind of emotional upheavals she goes through, every single second. The minute she gets up, the minutes she does all the household chores, and the minutes she tries hard to sleep. Nothing comforts. She has to live two lives, one normal for others and one genuine for herself. She has not been torn into two halves yet. Many a times it just feels that her life has lost the elasticity to come back and integrate the two identities.

As she saw his grey white hair, she looked herself into the mirror. She looked beautiful not in the conventional sense but those specific details she remembers. ‘Your eyes talk a lot. Let’s talk without talking’. She smiled at herself. Back from the hindsight, she started doing household chores. That’s how she would relive those golden moments. Sia quickly gave him a glass of water. He was tired. Married for grand old twenty five years, her life seemed to have everything. She could adjust to all what life offered. The only disturbance was that banging in the inner head. She remembered how she made the tough choice between shutting up the world and shutting up her inner self. At twenty nine, shutting up herself seemed lot easier. She had already burnt her hands so many times and she did not have any time to calm down her scared mind and let it bang her with questions again. With all her fury, she asked it to shut up and went ahead with the decision to marry Sarvin. She did not know him from before. Her friends told her that things would probably fall in place. Afterall she has grown too old to cling to ideas like soul mates. Her parents were growing old and she could not see those additional wrinkles coming up on their forehead. She loved Rashid but did not love him enough to see a soul mate. She married Sarvin.

Now when she sleeps next to Sarvin, she turns her back towards him and again slips into the hindsight,’ Let’s talk. Your eyes only please’. Rashid said. She smiled and wondered what if she had a time machine. 

Ruins

How irritating it was to see 'her' doing things so tirelessly throughout the day. Rajesh would howl,' where do you keep my office files? They just decide to vanish when your magical hands touch them'. 'She' would decide to overlook it and try to make Sia eat her breakfast, another round of rude attacks would follow. ' why are you after my life? Don't you have anything else to do in life'.  Souvik would be polite,' Mommy dear, I cannot eat this food. You know my instructor has asked me to eat in olive oil and not in refined oil'. 'She' would pack the food and give it to the maid.

At 28 as Sia saw the old albums and found beautiful picture of 'her'. she could make out whose reflection she was. She saw one of those pictures of her fourth birthday in which she could see a slightly bulged abdomen. She was expecting Souvik that time; yet called all the kids for birthday celebrations.

Coming back from the hindsight, as Sia saw the frail fifty two year old gait, her heart was filled with remorse. Within the wrinkles, she was trying to find that beautiful face of the old album. She looked herself into the mirror hoping to see her mother. Sia was nowhere close to that. There could have been various faces between what Sia was and what was there in that old album. Each line telling the story of the debt Sia took from her mother and was unable to return in these years.

As she boarded the flight, the sight refused to go off her mind. She would remember how things changed for her. How she switched from visiting home from ten days in a month to ten days in an year. Life changed. How she would gave an extempore on self dependence and freedom and like a coward could not give away her own dependedce on those 'pillars' of her life. Probably she thought they would stay there forever and in the meanwhile she could experiment with life.

Now when she sees the pillars weakening, she misses focussing on the nuances of life. She wishes if she could have seen the mico and not macro. She wished she could have learnt 'mathematics' from her mathematician father.

Ten reasons why I love my female friends

1. They make me feel like human beings and I don’t have to care if my cleavage is showing up or my shorts are too short. They would look at it with sense of appreciation and there is no constant warning bell within the heart.
2. They would care about the little things which matter like you need to put one more coating on your nail paint. Grow your nails and then put that off red color which matches so well with your new sweater.
3.  I can do that wild and mad dancing with them. I don’t have to bother if I am looking pretty, sexy and extra nice. I can shed those feminine discomforts for a while.
4. We understand that we are PMSing and would not entertain nonsense but give nonsense.
5. The bitching session about men would be never ending with examples from diverse experiences and we could do it so well that we can actually write a research paper on Man’s Psychology when it comes to dating woman.  They all are feminist when there is no man around. Some of them would bash men the way none could have imagined them to do. The others are just so mesmerized by their identity that for them men would be just a means to reach their better selves.
6. During those cathartic moments after boozing, I can hold them tight and remain in the present moment without fearing ,'oh! I don’t want a relationship.' They would not remind me the next morning that what all I said and why don’t I stand by them today.
7. Shopping is something I can do only with them. Those long incessant hours of roaming and hopping from one place to another. Where else I would get all the patience and love for details? That red which we looked for those four hours on Sunday and came back empty handed.  It’s expensive but let’s just try it out; it’s not in the budget, so what you might not get this piece again.
8. We would lie to each other and would understand why we are doing that. We won’t cut each other’s heart to understand that why? We would be jealous of each other yet it won’t stop us from loving each other. We would understand and forgive.
9. That extra protection and set of instructions when you start hanging around with a new guy is something which only your female friends can give and it’s priceless. 
10. They set the expectations right. I know they would not die for me and they have zillion things to do in their lives other than focusing on me. I know that they might change drastically when they find the right man in their lives but till then they would create that healthy emotional ecosystem around me. They give me strength to move on in life and not the dependence to hang around with till I die. 

The burning water

Have you ever trusted the waves of the sea?
the anger within them, the burning fire in water which promises to ruin the tired you. The adrenaline rush which it fills you with a splash, that roaring sound which dissolves you and you feel that you are sea yourself. You bask in the glory of being the mighty. The yesteryear minscule you becomes grand for the moment. Thank you sea.

My experiments in quarter life crisis

There was this sudden disturbance for which I could not find out a reason. After conversations with people who were going through the similar phaseI realized that I have also been hit by 'quarter life crisis'. It started around 25 and became quite unbearable . I read alot on the subject. The best thing I came to know about it is that it helps you to build a strong foundation for your life if you sail through it succesfully and you are least likely to experience mid-life crisis. I just thought of sharing some adaptation tricks I have devised. They still need some more time to yield results but the effort is making me positive each day.

1. I never wanted to work in such office.

After slogging for years and taking huge loans for the studies, you finally land up with your 'dream job'. You did lot of reasearch in your initial years, fought with your parents to do what you really wanted to do and here you are questioning the relevance of it at this point of time. It's a dream come true yet deep down you ask yourself, 'Is this what I really wanted?' 

It's ok. Finally you are here. Stop looking into the past and  thinking what you could have done instead. Set some short term goals in your work life. You may not have an idea what you want to do ten years down the line in life but you might have answers like I want to smile genuinely more often when I am in a meeting, speak from the bottom of my heart on the subject or be more engrossed in what I do. Build up on these. It helps. Rememebr 'Rome was not built in a day'.

Don't think of quitting the job. There must be something good  about it that you chose it at the first place. Please don't overstretch your working hours. It does not help anyone. Go home. Spend time doing something which you really love.

2. Where is my love?

It hurts I know. You are on the wrong side of 20s and you do not know where your soul mate is. You were always the kind of person who wanted to live all phases of life with that one person.You found that person also but the person found his/her soulmate in someone else.  Bollywood sets wrong expectations. True unconditional effortless love exists but for the lucky few. Make peace with it. Try being with people who you think understand you and appreciate you for little things. There is nothing good as healthy flirting but beware of those obnoxious flirts who make you feel  choked. No negatives please! You don't have to chase that someone who is just not intersted in you. You are making yourself pathetic by chasing them.  Every lock has a key or may be your key is lost in the universe. In that case, you might end up being single forever. It's not a big deal. Give a whack to people who pity you for being single. Love yourself all the more when you feel dejected and lonely and how do you love yourself? Eat well, work on your fitness level, develop a style of your own which may not be the latest fashion but you are very comfortable in it, cook for yourself during weekends, have a cup of coffee and long conversations with people who you enjoy with. You need people for reflection and not necessarily affection. You deserve love. Rememeber ,'Beloved is within'. One best thing about it is the more you love yourself, the more the universe would love you. Sounds preachy. It works.

3. Friends; they have changed

You thought your college friends are your forever friends. You try talking to them and they don't understand what you are talking about. They have differnt lives. You cease to be siamese twins. Life has moved on. Your directions have changed. It does not mean they don't love you. Cherish the time you have spent together. Keep your expectations low. Drop an email or make a call on birthdays and remember the good old days. Relate to them; that's what friends are for.  Feel lucky to have spent some good time with them. They have a contribution in shaping up your identity. Forgive them if they are not able to be the way they were once. 

3. Parents; can't they leave me alone?

They irritate you. They want you to settle down and if you are a girl, life is hell. I know. Talk to your parents. Tell them you are clearing some mess in your life and you need their support on this. Don't experss your anger infront of them. Never argue. Stiop blaming them. They are living their lives and as a child you are an integral part of their lives. Be thankful to them. Take them out for a shopping/movie. Sit with them and talk to them on general subjects. (their health, realatives or may be see the old albums). Learn new recipes from your mother. Try speaking to your grandparents more often, if you are lucky to have them till now. Listen to those piece of advice. Believe me it's a treasure. Since, I have lost my grandfather recently, I still regret not spending lot of time with him which I could have. 

4. Siblings; where did they come from?

So your siblings are very differnt from you in everything now and you don't like to speak to them often. You earn more than them and hang around with differnt kind of people altogether. It happens. You can keep the differnces aside and talk on the common things. Take out the younger ones for shopping. Play those childhood games once in a while to refresh your bondings. Plan a surprise for your parents together. Remember, they are the first friends god gifted you. This treasure can never be replaced. 

5. Listening to that godfather's advice?

We all find some people really impressive and look forward to have an identity similar to them. We start believing in everything they say but do you realize what damage this person is unkowingly capable of inflicting on you. You change the trajectory of life. You live it their way and not your way. Beware of this. Apply your head. Your life's aim is not success in a conventional way, it's something very personal. Listen to people but you don't need to follow everything they say. What all matters is a drop of sweat after hard work and that million dollar smile you crave for. You get it in your own way and may be not their way. For you, it could be just a running session in the morning or dancing incessantly till morning, for them it could be solving complex sudoku for hours. Get rid of godfather.

Oflate I am trying these and it is making me really happy. I would continue adding to the list. I am sure I would sail through like I have always. Happy sailing to you too. 

Oscillating pangs(Part 2)

They say the world stops,

For me it moves,

Against the inertia,

Slower and gradual,

With the connecting dots

Line or a full stop?

Oscillating Pangs

When I play with the strings,

Never does it whisper in your heart?

The beats together, forming the circular rings,

hoping to reach your centermost part.

For me it happens always, that I tinker with my ways

to reach the lighter you.

Seeing you virtually, with the ‘green’ light,

I often laugh at my plight.

Didn’t you get that sudden pang,

When the telephone bell suddenly rang,

Hoping to hear the softer you,

With the possibility to see the real you.

The hopes ended in vain and the pain oscisllating again!!

Let’s end the mind game of ‘red’ and ‘green’

Let me remember the days when you were not so mean,

I wonder if it is just my wish list

Would my desires will always be covered in this thick mist?