She would just type two lines and delete, the activity oscillating for
two continuous hours with just the names of recipients changing every time. The
number of names from the best friends in school to college. All she wanted was
to share, in all its objectivity and straightforwardness of the gory details of
kind of emotional upheavals she goes through, every single second. The minute
she gets up, the minutes she does all the household chores, and the minutes she
tries hard to sleep. Nothing comforts. She has to live two lives, one normal
for others and one genuine for herself. She has not been torn into two halves
yet. Many a times it just feels that her life has lost the elasticity to come
back and integrate the two identities.
As she saw his grey white hair, she looked herself into the mirror. She
looked beautiful not in the conventional sense but those specific details she
remembers. ‘Your eyes talk a lot. Let’s talk without talking’. She smiled at
herself. Back from the hindsight, she started doing household chores. That’s
how she would relive those golden moments. Sia quickly gave him a glass of
water. He was tired. Married for grand old twenty five years, her life seemed
to have everything. She could adjust to all what life offered. The only
disturbance was that banging in the inner head. She remembered how she made the
tough choice between shutting up the world and shutting up her inner self. At
twenty nine, shutting up herself seemed lot easier. She had already burnt her
hands so many times and she did not have any time to calm down her scared mind
and let it bang her with questions again. With all her fury, she asked it to
shut up and went ahead with the decision to marry Sarvin. She did not know him
from before. Her friends told her that things would probably fall in place.
Afterall she has grown too old to cling to ideas like soul mates. Her parents
were growing old and she could not see those additional wrinkles coming up on their
forehead. She loved Rashid but did not love him enough to see a soul mate. She
married Sarvin.
Now when she sleeps next to Sarvin, she turns her back towards him and
again slips into the hindsight,’ Let’s talk. Your eyes only please’. Rashid said.
She smiled and wondered what if she had a time machine.
