'Happy Island'

Sometimes in this mad rush of normalizing life we often forget the inner insane heart which abhores the mundane normality. The madness needs expression yet we choose suppression to get the sense of security from the unknown faces;our heart yearns to know them. The stern faces with unbreakable boundaries express constant negation for your heart to enter. Still we live disillusioned waiting for the day when our heart will break the boundary. We are indefatigable workers, so we continue to break our heart in that futile attempt to be understood . After a while it becomes too painful to give that little space to the wounded organ in the body. We decide to kill it, get rid of it. It so happens that we become normal again. We are successful, normal and busy in the mundane reality of lives with the pieces of the wounded organ dissolved in the universe. We are the 'happy' Island.

Salaam Bombay!

In past few days, I could relate very well to what Steve Jobs said about love,

If you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of heart, you'll know when you find it and like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.

My first impression of Bombay was from bollywood. Growing up in tier 2 cities, I saw Bombay only in TV. As a child, I was scared of Bombay. It was a land of tricksters. It was a land where people would go to become Amitabh Bacchan and disappear somewhere. The ugly Bombay of ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ full of deep shit, land of haftavasooli, and child abuse, it will always shake me to the core. I still remember the time when Gulshan Kumar assassination happened; I was so scared to see the news on the TV. I never wanted to go to Bombay. Life in my small quaint city was good. Bombay was not real.It existed in idiot-box always.

The twenty four year old me landed in Bombay for the first time. It was a halt for half a day. The only thing that caught my notice was women getting down from bus a 12.30 am. It surprised me. I am so used to stay in state of terror in the national capital or for that matter in my home town also. I have had never smelled air of freedom. How does it feel like to roam at night? I kept looking at the woman from my window and slept with the question in my head,’ How does it feel to roam at night?’ That question erased my hatred for Bombay.  My sub-conscious was getting to know the answer.

I returned to Bombay after five years. Walking alone with my suit-case, I came out of Bombay- Central station. The narrow slim roads, and high rise buildings and sea-link, Bombay I was in love this time. The taxi driver started narrating me the story of how he found his life in Bombay. He came to the city some thirty years back as a laborer and never wanted to go back to his village in Uttar Pradesh. He just quipped, ‘Madam dilliwalon ko Bombay mein kaafi accha lagta hai.’ I smiled and was thinking ‘I am not dilliwali, I am from Uttar Pradesh. We have the same story.I am in Delhi for the same reason, you are in Bombay. Just that I am not in love with Delhi.’

After our run in Sanjay Gandhi National Park, I had the first vada paao of my life with Thumbs-up. I posed and got clicked with Thums-up. The little kid in me sang, ‘Thums-up the taste that thunders.’ It rained cats and dogs. She and I ran to catch our local to Chhatraapati Shivaji Terminus. This had become a daily routine. My Bombay friends will often ask me,’ why do you take the train to CST every day? What do you do at Colaba? Is this what you took leave for?’

After tying that religious wish thread in Haji Ali on the first day of Ramzan, She and I sat at marine drive. Life has so many questions. That big wave washed them away. No I did not get the answers for my questions. It was like that grandmother’s soothing touch on the head which reassured,’ It will be allright.’  To my left was young couple sitting holding hands, chatting and kissing in between; to my right were youngsters,probably celebrating their new job; at the back was Trident,  where the  elite stopped.’ Bombay is so slim, it accommodates all in so much less space. People sit so dangerously close to each other, in the trains, at marine drive. Same is the case with cars. A friend says, if Bombay had infrastructure of Delhi, life would have been so good.True but then love is unconditional. I embrace Bombay with all its stink, humidity and terrible traffic.

After that customary  halt at Leopald, we again took a taxi back to Powai. It was 12 midnight. Of the best things in life, Bombay has offered me that smell of freedom and that sense of association with everyone around . Words cannot do justice to small joys of life. 

Bombay, you are my latest love. It is not the love at first sight but the one which grows with time.

 I will be back soon.

Eat, PRAY, Love

In retrospect, the second half year of 2013 has been the one of the most luxurious and decadent life, I have lived. For an otherwise ascetic person with tremendous control, such splurge and lavishness came as a pleasant surprise to me. It was pleasant because of tremendous joy I experienced but decadent for reminding me of the ‘dark ages’ from the European history classes from school.

 The history of such sudden change dates to an year back when I had a sudden heart ache. My mind decided to take control. So it decided to follow 3 NJs: no junk food, no junk thoughts, and no junk clothes.  The three NJs came as a sudden rescue for my sixty inches structure weighing 154 pounds. That structure would refuse to budge without thirteen hours of sleep.  Excessive running was the enabling strategy to achieve ‘no junk thought’. With these NJs, I scribbled some goals in my diary. The indefatigable ascetic worked every minute to achieve them. The end of year showed a positive trajectory to all the goals.

In the midst of 2013, the weighing machine whispered once, ‘116.6 pounds.’ Adding to it, my friends told me, ‘Are you in love? You are so chirpy all the time.’

There was no looking back then. The tickets to Paris were booked; to wine and dine. Samosas and rasmalais were back. The ascetism evaporated in a second. Such was a power of weighing machine’s whisper. So July to October was making up for the tremendous loss in the past year. Samosas, Golgappas, Tikkis, Gaajar ka halwa, rasmallai, paranthas and in Europe; blue wine, pink wine, red wine, white wine, home made wine and of course cheese.  November meant weddings, so more eating and shopping. From Chandani Chowk to T - Nagar, my footprints prints seen in every shop. You name it and I have it; Blue, red, green, turquoise, black and gold.  That ephemeral moment of dressing up for two hours everyday and changing make-ups, that defined November.  End of November; it was time to speak to the enlightened master; the weighing machine. She whispered, ‘135 pounds’.  My heart was cold and again the same ache. The asceticism condensed; ascetic was back for rescue.

Ascetic decided to pay for the entire splurge. The first payment came in the form of first half marathon.  The shooting pain reminded that what life worth is of if not this pain. This was also the time to empty the wardrobe; donations and more donations.  This also meant no shopping in the sale season. That was the toughest punishment so far but I successfully lived it.  Even after all this, there was a burdening guilt. I did not know where it was coming from. Even weighing machine was silent this time.  Now it was the time for dermatologist to talk, ‘excessive stress, lack of sleep, grey hair, and hair fall’. I decided to speak to ascetic and he said, ‘Give life a chance, get surprises, stop planning, Stay in zero, observe faith’.

I was sitting in the Golden Temple in Amritsar. Like a curious child with my goal diary, I asked trillion questions to ascetic, all he said. 'Shhhhh!’ To the same curiosity, Hermen Hesse answered me in the speeding train,

What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find.

Amritsar, you answered all the questions in once. 

Resolution for 2014: Feeling the beauty of breathing

I had this enlightening conversation with my superior in the last week of December on sense of time. He asked me ,'How important is sense of time for you?' I pondered and said, 'very important' and then mentioned the list of things I usually plan for the day. Generally, I am quite obsessed with filling up every minute with something. I have a restless brain of a child which is becoming all the more restless after the fitness schedule I follow. I find nothingness scary. I almost cry when I have nothing to do. Bel far niente is not my cup of tea. I am heading towards third decade of my life at the speed of light and my restlessness is growing at the exponential rate. I thought all this was a matter of pride and glory, until that discussion.

I see him as a father figure or rather grandfather figure. He said, ' Time is of no use. Actions are not important. How you stitch them together is of utmost importance. What is the use of ticking things is your check list, if you did not get time to stop, breathe and feel the joy? Is it just achiever's ego which means happiness to you? Shouldn't you find more depth in the happiness?'

I have been thinking about my new year's resolution. I am slowing down and contracting my 'to do' list. I want to feel the beauty of breathing. I have my first resolution of the year; 101 Suryanamaskars by end of second quarter of 2014.  :).Currently my count is 50  in one go.

Sun salutations: Unleash the power within you gradually.

2.30s

How 2.30s in my life has changed?

My faintest memory of afternoon 2.30 is of summer of 1989 is. Didi would come jumping around from school, hug me and shower her kisses on me. Mummy would ask both of us to go for shower and didi and I will sing:

 I hear thunder, I hear thunder.

Hark don't you? Hark don't you? 

Pitter, patter raindrops, 

Pitter, patter raindrops,

I'm wet through; so are you.

I would laugh at my loudest. Seeing her singing gave such adrenaline rush. One of the most absolute form of happiness, I can recall from the initial years of my life. I would clap and dance. Mummy would come and wrap both of us in towel. Lunch  was followed by afternoon siesta. Papa would try to sing to make us sleep and didi and I would silently giggle at his attempts waiting him to sleep. We would quietly slip away for our singing, jumping, dancing.

It was 1995. I was happy that papa was transferred to a nice place. Only because I changed my school and I could spend more time at home doing nothing than sleeping on my sister’s lap in school bus. The new school was just ten minutes walk. 2.30 was the time when I would be finishing my lunch. I would be painting after that. I had this nice drawing note book with camel poster colors. These were my prized possessions. I also had brushes of all the number. All my life will be focused on 2.30 afternoon drawing sessions. There was a big study table in our room which didi used. I was very attached to the school uniform especially the white shirt; the only oddness in otherwise colorful 2.30s. Mum would scream at me but I would never change. It was only during evening that I would change. What a moment of solitude it used to be. Starting from 2.30, everybody at home would be taking the afternoon nap and I would secretly paint. Secretly because mum expected me to take rest but I discovered in me the indefatigable painter.

2004, we would be sitting in lab, waiting for the titration results to come or Frog's muscle twitching. Those centrifugation tubes, pipette, titration experiments. There were no chairs in the lab. I would always wear my torn jeans so that when diluted hydrochloric acid falls on my jeans, I would not regret. We looked like those car mechanics with greased white lab coats. I so much hated these 2.30s. There was nothing exciting about them. All I would look for will be running away, escaping to some unknown territory away from that four walled laboratory. I would have those silent tears in my heart.

2009, I will be sitting in environment law classes discussing polluter pays principles, M.C Mehta’s cases, wildlife protection act, Public Interest Litigations. How much engrossed I would be. The next class would talk about diminishing resources, optimization and marginal utilities. I was glad to be away from four walls of lab but that longing for siesta would often remain especially triggered by the lectures.

2013, I am supposed to be analyzing policies, intricacies of what renaissance forestry sector in India needs and the description of this 2.30 is shortest. Probably, I left my heart in 2.30 of summer of 1989 and I never use brain when I visit ‘catharsis’

Soliloquy

I am healing, I am not growing. I am perfectly fine. You cannot grow until you have retained your original self. I dipped to negative, I thought I was growing but I was slipping into nadir sooner than soon. It scared me. Those lonely dark nights when all I did was staring at the stars, the gaze becoming hazier due to waterfalls in the eye. The salty liquid kissing my lips and touching my tongue. It was all so real. The ‘renaissance’ man did that to me. I forgot my benchmarks; I started living a life of hallucination. Simple things stopped mattering to me. Nothing seemed important but chase. After all when you run, then only you feel the pleasure. Then only you lose yourself. Chase and you become synonymous. But here I am tonight. I bruised myself running so much so that I can’t run anymore. I disappointed Renaissance man. I thought I will be healed but then chase will suffer if anyone waited for me to get healed. I now here in the dirt, the mud; believe it as my reality. The cold mud soothes me. I take deep breaths. I can’t run further. I am enjoying this dirt. It comforts me. I can still see the Renaissance man running as fast he could. He looked back at me. That one gaze infused a gush of energy. I tried gaining inertia again but I fell and mud is soothing me. This healing seems eternal.

Trivia

Happiness, how you chase it and how it eludes. My dear grandfather used to tell me, ‘the world is within. You really think you need to see whole of it to be happy?’ I would always label this kind of statement as preachy and in my head will tell myself ‘he is a crazy old man who will not understand my generation’. Now when he is not here, I miss his preachy talks.  At the peak of depression when I had no clue what will keep me happy, it was his lines which helped me. My world is within. External stimulus just helps in perceiving things but the power of perception is within. Probably I had lost that. Those silent minutes of conversations with myself every night has helped me tremendously. Happiness I realized lie in simple things:

1. Exercise: What I liked about my grandfather was his formidable freedom. In his 70s,  he could be free because he was physically fit. An hour of running makes you feel like an achiever. The incremental speed you achieve each day is like a blessing you receive from god.
2.   Money:  Earn more. Money gives you happiness and freedom to exercise your will. You might have a great support system around you but then you should be really possessive about your earnings. It keeps you contended and happy.
3.  Job/ career: Do your job. May be it’s just a halting place before you really do what you wanted to do but it’s paying you. Get it done and value it. There are lots of people who are craving to get it. May be your job was a career for them.
4.   Sleep: If you can have 7-8 hours of sleep every night, you can’t ask for anything more
5.  People: Pessimism is dangerous. Avoid people who waste time on just brooding and want you to listen to their negativity in pretext of being realistic. Stop helping people who can help themselves. Don’t be comforting at the cost of your own basic minimal comfort. Morality and humanity could be dangerous sometimes.
6. Family: Spend time with them. They may not be the people who are exactly compatible with you but they are the ones who will stand by you in your thick and thin. Don’t distance yourself with them.
7.   Eat healthy: I have started enjoying my diet a lot since the time I am doing my own cooking. Eat fruits. An apple makes my day. J So much so that I miss it when eat when I don’t have it.
8.  Reading/ Intense conversations: I think both helps me in unfolding the layers within me. I come closer to myself but be careful about what you read and who you converse with.
9.   Be Social: Meeting people helps. It does not mean you have to cut open your heart and start sharing things but light conversations, sharing common interests and being nice to people helps. Do little things to make your friend’s happy.
10.  Love J : Stop finding it. It comes in little ways. It tickles can stay or just go. Make peace with it. J

As Heisenberg says, ‘It’s impossible to determine position and momentum simultaneously’, I don’t know my position but this momentum which little things have built in me keeps me going. 

Diary Entry

Sia loves these lonely journeys where she can just shut her head for few hours. Surrounded by strangers, she knows she has to shut her mind and heart and be an island, and just say occasional thank yous and excuse mes if needed. What a relief it is to be in the stratosphere, where none can reach you, especially the known ones. Often she would close her eyes and let feelings play in her heart like kids. She allows the heart to take over. The kids playing want to be heard and dance fearlessly before she lands in the known world again.

You were the cutest thing that could have happened. I never thought I could get attracted to someone as fat as you ever. Did you ever see how sleek and fit I was. Your giant persona of seventy two inches was something I would not detest but also would never find complementary. God has always done this to me. He makes me shed my beliefs. You were such a strange combination of paradoxes. Your giant persona in black combined with that innocence of a kid. Your strange ways of trying to get romantic were bold yet so chivalrous. How unimpressive and disgusting it could be to hear about drugs during the first date, yet when you showed your chillam, I could not stop smiling. How hard you tried to dance and deal with my flexibility. You gave it up in a strange way. You allowed me to fall but in your arms. The funniest was that you made me eat junk food so that it initiates the beginning of what we could aim to be; a socially acceptable couple. You were so happy to see a fatter me; yet it nowhere matched what you were. Whatever we shared was also such a strange combination. I looked like a kitten in front of you; me sixty inches and you seventy two inches. I liked it when you claimed to be sixty nine inches and not seventy two. Immediately after you said I don’t think you are sixty inches. You appear to be sixty three inches. That makes the difference lesser. Also, when you gave up on make me trying to eat junk food and reach your obesity level, you started to think seriously about working out. I loved it.How you held my hand tightly when we were crossing the road. You did not even ask me. I have been crossing roads all alone for one and a half decades now. Getting up in the morning surrounded in your fat arms; it would give me so much cushion in life.  So much warmth and affection they had. It felt that I have a safe mini world in this bigger world. You know how it is with those Russian dolls; one inside the other. I loved it when I could so comfortably slipped into your arms in the taxi and sleep. I loved it when you held me tighter while I was asleep. I loved that kiss on the forehead before you dared to kiss me on lips. How you held me tightly when I was falling off after that hangover. That 5 am long drive in the morning is one of the most special morning I can remember.  How could you see the softer side so easily? How you could let femininity take over feminism.

The flight landed.  The heart was in hind sight now, kids had hidden themselves somewhere. Head took over and his words echoed, ‘I don’t think we can be together.because of obvious differences.’ She wondered what she should believe in; heart or head. She chose head and had a sound sleep after stabbing her heart for the nth time. Kids have to grow up someday.

Lighthouses and icebergs

There are so many lighthouses in my life. Especially with a decade alone in this city, there are moments when I feel like a sinking ship in the dark. These are the days when I have not done much work. Interestingly not working causes more stress to me than being busy throughout the day . I make sure that I am running, exercising or socializing so that my body and mind gets tired when I go to bed at the end of the day. Now there are days when I am very depressed especially because I have not worked enough. The worst part is I always realize about this depression during bed time and it causes unbearable insomnia. Anyways,  this one is about how I tackle these depressed states. So as I told earlier about me being a directionless ship during these days sailing in the dark. Now, I have lighthouses in my life. So my friend ‘A’ is a really nice girl. Even if she is bogged down in life, she would always smile and tell me,’ Be Positive’J. I love her persistence to be positive. Even though it does not seem to cause much incremental progress in positivity in her life, I often sympathize and become positive.  Lighthouse B is different case altogether. He appears as a chronic depressed but I like him. He talks about the concept of positive neutrality which means you should neither be positive nor negative. Accept that life is gross and its sole purpose is not always hedonic fun. I like the concept. It does not help in being positive but then I tell myself life is gross. It could have been worse. It does help me in some ways. J Now coming to my favorite lighthouse C.  C lits up my face like none does. He is someone who just needs to look at you once to cheer you up. I don’t understand what he talks but then his face has so much glow. He is less intelligent but what I love is that he knows he is less intelligent. With him life seems to be the best things that ever happened to me. It appears to me that all I want is this sort of dumbness when life gets dry and overloaded with intellect. You see there is wisdom in dumbness too. J

About icebergs I’ll talk later. Off to bed now!

Escape

Of late everything looks like mechanism to survive.

I feel like going on a sabbatical to figure out what life is. Was the grandiose I always associated with it exists actually? A lot has been said about human life, how we are different from other lower forms of animals. I wonder why we say all this. We also eat, shit, sleep and breed. How are we different? Now, don’t give me that crap about human brain size. We have just used our brain to breed more and create another level of speciation within human species; rich –poor, male-female, literate-illiterate, modern –traditional; the list goes on. Sometime I feel there is a nerve which goes straight from the brains to genital and all attempts have been to prove Malthus wrong.  The only quest which Homo sapiens seems to have is to find out how to breed and feed more each day to support our ‘mankind’?

It’s all machinations of culture which teach us wrong things. We spend quarter of life to learn to fit ourselves in the system. If lucky enough, we get enlightenment and opportunity to unlearn what we have learnt. How much time that leaves us with to live actually? By the time I figure out what life means to me, I am on deathbed. All wisdom flows only during the penultimate days. I wonder if Buddha ever lived. After he saw the travails of senescence and began the quest for life, what his life meant? Did he live? Could he love? What was beyond realizations?

Ever wondered how much pain it causes initially to unlearn even one thing which your upbringing has taught you. I remember my initial years away from way. How difficult it was to change my eating habits, speak to new people, and avoid comforting things and sleeping patterns. It took me years to unlearn these and learn the new ones. This cycle of unlearning and learning is continuing and I wonder what I am doing. In this whiling away of time, am I living?

I want to go away. I want to taste 'LIFE' once.

What kind of people you should avoid talking to?

What kind of people you should avoid talking to?

1.       The forever negative ones: Being ever positive, you are bound to get attracted to those ever negative ones. Their pull is as strong as gravitational pull and believe me it’s hard to escape. At first instance you would feel this urge to understand them, and that’s where you get trapped in mindless and endless discussions. I feel that being positive requires effort and once you have reached the level, just ignore any downfall. Respect your efforts.

2.       The ‘intellectuals’: You name a book and they have read it. After reading all the possible literature available on the planet, they have unlearnt their worldly ways. There are men who would blog and brag about women’s safety but would conveniently ask their female friends to manage themselves at odd hours after a late evening party. Well, you are a ‘feminist’ and a strong woman; you could have figured it out yourself. Feminism always comes in a way of chivalry.  Also, I know some ‘feminists’ who had their glory during college years while making grand speeches. The years after college, I see them as absolute ‘normal’ women producing fat babies, depending absolutely on their husbands and in many cases dragging relationships in which they are unhappy. They say they were naïve back then. They still read a lot because they have to transfer their ‘feminism’ to their kids.

3.       The convenience lovers: We all love convenience but there are times when we don’t mind travelling extra miles for loved ones. Well, this category would always prioritize and since you would not be making their life any convenient, you would be the last priority always. Ranking in the priority list is directly proportional to the convenience.  Just chuck them out!

4.       The ambitious ones:  Now this is the category between 25-30. They still have unfinished tasks from their earlier 20s and they would be forever busy in achieving them. You mention about work-life balance and they would hang you because work is worship and dare you talk about chilling around and having a life.

5.       The self –obsessed: They would start with ‘I believe’, ‘I think’ and ‘according to me’. You keep waiting that your chance to talk would come once. You actually get it but then you see yourself talking about them. Such is a power of ‘I’. It’s painful to be with such people. Plain ignore.

I deal with all these kinds on daily basis so I know what it means. The worse is that they don’t realize that how intolerable they are and what a favor people do by even showing faces to these losers. Anyways, back to work!! It’s work-life-love-hate balance after all. 

Exiting Quarter Life Crisis

Now in the wrong side of 20s, I often ponder on what best and worse I did with my life in these years. I guess I am exiting my mid life crisis phase with some strong foundations and realizations to build up on. Some regrets, great lessons and strong realizations.

Regrets L

1. I still think I would have been a very good weight lifter and a runner if I have started earlier. Well, what was I doing back then? At 16, I was juggling between my medical coaching classes and school syllabus. I did not become a doctor for which I have no regret but I wasted so much tried hard to become one, that’s the biggest regret. I could have spend my time doing something I really likes; cycling, running and weight lifting, probably.

2.       I wanted to study law and policy. Instead I studied life sciences. Anything remotely related to humanities was not considered respectable enough to be studied in the small town I grew up in, especially for the brighter lot and toppers. It was only after a while I realized that scoring is not giving me any happiness.  Thankfully, somehow I managed to become a policy analyst by making my way but then I struggled. It would have been easier if only I would have studied these subjects at the bachelor’s level.

3.       I could have befriended some people who I really wanted to befriend. Most of the times I was so much in awe with their aura that I was hesitant to talk to them. I had a crush on a boy in school who I could never say anything only because I thought he is too good for me. The myth broke after some years when he proposed to me.  Till this time, I stayed in the illusion that he is the reincarnation of some Greek god carved for me. I still regret not telling him on time. I could have saved so much time (his and mine) by moving on earlier.

4.       I could have been nicer to some people. I always expressed my hatred and dislike in absolute blunt way. In the process I have been very harsh to some people. I now realize that they are good people and I have hurt them just because I did not agree to them.  I was a difficult teenager, who was always ready with flurry of questions. I looked down upon people just because they could not answer my questions. They all remember me as a rudest person alive on this planet.  L .Sometimes it’s important to overlook the differences and focus on similarities.

5.       I could have spent some more time with my grandparents. They were special; someone with divine powers. My roots came from them. That level of connectivity, I don’t feel with anyone but then I have lost them. Those unfinished conversations, those gifts which I always wanted to buy for them and those travel plans which we often discussed on phones; it all hurts terribly when I know I don’t have them anymore. This is probably the biggest regret of my life.

6.       I should have worn whatever I felt like wearing at 22. I always used to think I am too fat to wear my favorite dresses. Well, I realize I am fatter now but the craving to wear those clothes is still alive. J

The best things I have done till now:

1.       I fell in love deeply, passionately and madly. I lived all the quotes which people write about selfless love. I experimented with all of them and I am proud to say that with tremendous amount of pain you endure in selfless love, the better person you become. You would love yourself for doing do it. It brings peace after initial upheavals. Your character is strengthened.

2.       I read a lot. I am so proud of becoming a voracious reader in these years. I feel proud of that fact that I have bunked all the useless lab work to do what I really liked doing; reading. I became courageous to the extent of flunking in some subjects but then it did not deter me from doing what I liked doing. J

3.       I started working on my fitness. With the BMI levels going up, I could no longer take my physical self for granted. I feel proud to have a stamina where I can work out for non-stop hours. With new pain you discover a new physical self, a territory which was hidden from you. You just invade a part of your body each day. Feels like a conquistador!

4.       I have a great collection of Indian ethnic wear. J As a tomboy, I would just be in my jeans and t-shirts all the time. The hassle of putting something nicer but inconvenient never made any sense to me. I have realized that being feminine is so beautiful. It is a special gift and need not be taken for granted. I try to dress up the perfect Indian way whenever I find the time and occasion to do so.

5.       I learnt to respect differences. I have encountered some of the most unpleasant personalities in these years. They were not bad people though; somehow they always had something good to offer. They were harsh. I call them ‘renaissance’ men/women. Often they took my politeness as meekness. It did not matter to me much. I realize that sticking to uncomfortable people till the time you feel its worth is good.  J

6.       I travelled a lot and I am still continuing. I think travelling to unexplored territories helps in stretching your own personal dimension. It happened when I visited ghost town of Dhanushkodi in the southernmost tip of the country. Also sleeping in two sleeping bags in shepherd’s house at an altitude of 5000 m in Ladakh was something which makes me appreciate the privileges of my life all the more.  The feeling that I came back alive after these experiences was great.

Helter skelter

Have you ever realized we all are patients? Sometimes I just become stationery and see the world moving around me. People running helter –skelter in all the possible directions to find out what are they here for. Investment bankers seeing those figures going higher up, researchers just thinking how to publish more and more papers, a man I met in the hinterland working hard each day so that his son lives a better life, my best friend burning midnight oil so that she becomes an Indian beaurcrat. It seems everyone wants to run faster than yesterday. I am a slow learner. I would always come last in the hundred meter relay races where I was supposed to beat others. I never got this logic of beating up quite clearly. Also my dear daddy would ask me to chill around all the time. So we never did anything of those sorts. I still get confused when someone asks me to abide by deadlines. How can I ever produce a masterpiece if it has to meet a deadline? I would be producing an average work and if that is what is required, ask an average person. Why me? I understand that the world does not run my way. May be I am just an atom in this whole set of arrangement. Like those atoms arranged in a fashion to for diamond. If they would have been arranged differently, they would form a coal; the same carbon atoms. In chemistry exams, I would never answer it this way. The idea of getting higher marks and becoming center of attraction scared me. May be as an atom I am not supposed to know about this purpose or may be just incapable of understanding the enormity of universal existence. Just may be, I am thinking aloud. I know after finishing this post, I would also start running directionless. That is what I do when I am out of this stationery phase. I don't have many choices.

Men's Right

So I thought it was women only who were tethered to their homes and if not, a GPS would sure be installed on them by their parents to know the exact latitude and longitude. I think I am turning into a radical feminist each day. It’s been twelve years I have left home and since then my ideae  of absolute freedom are growing exponentially without any cultural influence. I live a life bounded only by time and space. When I see a lot of females of my age-group being answerable to their parents, boyfriends and partners for every little thing, I feel this pain in my heart. I wonder why they are not sure of what they do. Why do they take permission before living? Why are they not feminists? 

But, is this the story of females only. I am surprised to find out that it is not. I have male friends who are not allowed to go for night out parties because their parents think that it is unsafe to roam around in the city. The other day I was with a guy friend in a car chi chatting usual stuff. His parents called up four times in twenty minutes to ask where he was. It was 10.00 pm at night. He looked terrified every time his phone rang. I had to calm him down. I looked at my phone. The battery had gone off and it was switched off. I also realized that I need to go back home because after a tired day in office, my father and I love to chat on phone for five minutes daily. This has been our routine for twelve years now. Not for a second, I thought that there is anybody in the world who could hound me like this. He is twenty six now yet he is not free. My heart was full of pity.

I wonder what creates this psyche of owning people. Why are relationships based on fear of losing? Why do we want to put people in lockers? I thought that the only shit which comes to the world is by patriarchy but matriarchy is equally suffocating. The other day my friend told me about his landlady who confiscates the phone of his twenty five year old son at 9.30 pm sharp so that he does not talk to his girlfriend. She is scared to share her love. Insecurity broods because of various reasons. In this case it is lack of career and shunning by husband. One has to exercise control over something but the only problem is that most people don’t understand that it is to be on ‘self’ and none.

Sometimes I feel hesitant to ask my guy friends out for dinner or late night parties. I don’t want mums, sisters and partners to interrogate him for hours about where he has been and who is the ‘mer-maid’ he is hanging around with of late. For the same reason, I am scared to fall in love with them also. I don't want any sort of extended control on my life. 

Feeling empowered enough, I feel it's the time to work for men's empowerment for the gentlemen who are my fabulous friends. 

Golden Nostalgia

She would just type two lines and delete, the activity oscillating for two continuous hours with just the names of recipients changing every time. The number of names from the best friends in school to college. All she wanted was to share, in all its objectivity and straightforwardness of the gory details of kind of emotional upheavals she goes through, every single second. The minute she gets up, the minutes she does all the household chores, and the minutes she tries hard to sleep. Nothing comforts. She has to live two lives, one normal for others and one genuine for herself. She has not been torn into two halves yet. Many a times it just feels that her life has lost the elasticity to come back and integrate the two identities.

As she saw his grey white hair, she looked herself into the mirror. She looked beautiful not in the conventional sense but those specific details she remembers. ‘Your eyes talk a lot. Let’s talk without talking’. She smiled at herself. Back from the hindsight, she started doing household chores. That’s how she would relive those golden moments. Sia quickly gave him a glass of water. He was tired. Married for grand old twenty five years, her life seemed to have everything. She could adjust to all what life offered. The only disturbance was that banging in the inner head. She remembered how she made the tough choice between shutting up the world and shutting up her inner self. At twenty nine, shutting up herself seemed lot easier. She had already burnt her hands so many times and she did not have any time to calm down her scared mind and let it bang her with questions again. With all her fury, she asked it to shut up and went ahead with the decision to marry Sarvin. She did not know him from before. Her friends told her that things would probably fall in place. Afterall she has grown too old to cling to ideas like soul mates. Her parents were growing old and she could not see those additional wrinkles coming up on their forehead. She loved Rashid but did not love him enough to see a soul mate. She married Sarvin.

Now when she sleeps next to Sarvin, she turns her back towards him and again slips into the hindsight,’ Let’s talk. Your eyes only please’. Rashid said. She smiled and wondered what if she had a time machine. 

Ruins

How irritating it was to see 'her' doing things so tirelessly throughout the day. Rajesh would howl,' where do you keep my office files? They just decide to vanish when your magical hands touch them'. 'She' would decide to overlook it and try to make Sia eat her breakfast, another round of rude attacks would follow. ' why are you after my life? Don't you have anything else to do in life'.  Souvik would be polite,' Mommy dear, I cannot eat this food. You know my instructor has asked me to eat in olive oil and not in refined oil'. 'She' would pack the food and give it to the maid.

At 28 as Sia saw the old albums and found beautiful picture of 'her'. she could make out whose reflection she was. She saw one of those pictures of her fourth birthday in which she could see a slightly bulged abdomen. She was expecting Souvik that time; yet called all the kids for birthday celebrations.

Coming back from the hindsight, as Sia saw the frail fifty two year old gait, her heart was filled with remorse. Within the wrinkles, she was trying to find that beautiful face of the old album. She looked herself into the mirror hoping to see her mother. Sia was nowhere close to that. There could have been various faces between what Sia was and what was there in that old album. Each line telling the story of the debt Sia took from her mother and was unable to return in these years.

As she boarded the flight, the sight refused to go off her mind. She would remember how things changed for her. How she switched from visiting home from ten days in a month to ten days in an year. Life changed. How she would gave an extempore on self dependence and freedom and like a coward could not give away her own dependedce on those 'pillars' of her life. Probably she thought they would stay there forever and in the meanwhile she could experiment with life.

Now when she sees the pillars weakening, she misses focussing on the nuances of life. She wishes if she could have seen the mico and not macro. She wished she could have learnt 'mathematics' from her mathematician father.

Ten reasons why I love my female friends

1. They make me feel like human beings and I don’t have to care if my cleavage is showing up or my shorts are too short. They would look at it with sense of appreciation and there is no constant warning bell within the heart.
2. They would care about the little things which matter like you need to put one more coating on your nail paint. Grow your nails and then put that off red color which matches so well with your new sweater.
3.  I can do that wild and mad dancing with them. I don’t have to bother if I am looking pretty, sexy and extra nice. I can shed those feminine discomforts for a while.
4. We understand that we are PMSing and would not entertain nonsense but give nonsense.
5. The bitching session about men would be never ending with examples from diverse experiences and we could do it so well that we can actually write a research paper on Man’s Psychology when it comes to dating woman.  They all are feminist when there is no man around. Some of them would bash men the way none could have imagined them to do. The others are just so mesmerized by their identity that for them men would be just a means to reach their better selves.
6. During those cathartic moments after boozing, I can hold them tight and remain in the present moment without fearing ,'oh! I don’t want a relationship.' They would not remind me the next morning that what all I said and why don’t I stand by them today.
7. Shopping is something I can do only with them. Those long incessant hours of roaming and hopping from one place to another. Where else I would get all the patience and love for details? That red which we looked for those four hours on Sunday and came back empty handed.  It’s expensive but let’s just try it out; it’s not in the budget, so what you might not get this piece again.
8. We would lie to each other and would understand why we are doing that. We won’t cut each other’s heart to understand that why? We would be jealous of each other yet it won’t stop us from loving each other. We would understand and forgive.
9. That extra protection and set of instructions when you start hanging around with a new guy is something which only your female friends can give and it’s priceless. 
10. They set the expectations right. I know they would not die for me and they have zillion things to do in their lives other than focusing on me. I know that they might change drastically when they find the right man in their lives but till then they would create that healthy emotional ecosystem around me. They give me strength to move on in life and not the dependence to hang around with till I die. 

The burning water

Have you ever trusted the waves of the sea?
the anger within them, the burning fire in water which promises to ruin the tired you. The adrenaline rush which it fills you with a splash, that roaring sound which dissolves you and you feel that you are sea yourself. You bask in the glory of being the mighty. The yesteryear minscule you becomes grand for the moment. Thank you sea.

My experiments in quarter life crisis

There was this sudden disturbance for which I could not find out a reason. After conversations with people who were going through the similar phaseI realized that I have also been hit by 'quarter life crisis'. It started around 25 and became quite unbearable . I read alot on the subject. The best thing I came to know about it is that it helps you to build a strong foundation for your life if you sail through it succesfully and you are least likely to experience mid-life crisis. I just thought of sharing some adaptation tricks I have devised. They still need some more time to yield results but the effort is making me positive each day.

1. I never wanted to work in such office.

After slogging for years and taking huge loans for the studies, you finally land up with your 'dream job'. You did lot of reasearch in your initial years, fought with your parents to do what you really wanted to do and here you are questioning the relevance of it at this point of time. It's a dream come true yet deep down you ask yourself, 'Is this what I really wanted?' 

It's ok. Finally you are here. Stop looking into the past and  thinking what you could have done instead. Set some short term goals in your work life. You may not have an idea what you want to do ten years down the line in life but you might have answers like I want to smile genuinely more often when I am in a meeting, speak from the bottom of my heart on the subject or be more engrossed in what I do. Build up on these. It helps. Rememebr 'Rome was not built in a day'.

Don't think of quitting the job. There must be something good  about it that you chose it at the first place. Please don't overstretch your working hours. It does not help anyone. Go home. Spend time doing something which you really love.

2. Where is my love?

It hurts I know. You are on the wrong side of 20s and you do not know where your soul mate is. You were always the kind of person who wanted to live all phases of life with that one person.You found that person also but the person found his/her soulmate in someone else.  Bollywood sets wrong expectations. True unconditional effortless love exists but for the lucky few. Make peace with it. Try being with people who you think understand you and appreciate you for little things. There is nothing good as healthy flirting but beware of those obnoxious flirts who make you feel  choked. No negatives please! You don't have to chase that someone who is just not intersted in you. You are making yourself pathetic by chasing them.  Every lock has a key or may be your key is lost in the universe. In that case, you might end up being single forever. It's not a big deal. Give a whack to people who pity you for being single. Love yourself all the more when you feel dejected and lonely and how do you love yourself? Eat well, work on your fitness level, develop a style of your own which may not be the latest fashion but you are very comfortable in it, cook for yourself during weekends, have a cup of coffee and long conversations with people who you enjoy with. You need people for reflection and not necessarily affection. You deserve love. Rememeber ,'Beloved is within'. One best thing about it is the more you love yourself, the more the universe would love you. Sounds preachy. It works.

3. Friends; they have changed

You thought your college friends are your forever friends. You try talking to them and they don't understand what you are talking about. They have differnt lives. You cease to be siamese twins. Life has moved on. Your directions have changed. It does not mean they don't love you. Cherish the time you have spent together. Keep your expectations low. Drop an email or make a call on birthdays and remember the good old days. Relate to them; that's what friends are for.  Feel lucky to have spent some good time with them. They have a contribution in shaping up your identity. Forgive them if they are not able to be the way they were once. 

3. Parents; can't they leave me alone?

They irritate you. They want you to settle down and if you are a girl, life is hell. I know. Talk to your parents. Tell them you are clearing some mess in your life and you need their support on this. Don't experss your anger infront of them. Never argue. Stiop blaming them. They are living their lives and as a child you are an integral part of their lives. Be thankful to them. Take them out for a shopping/movie. Sit with them and talk to them on general subjects. (their health, realatives or may be see the old albums). Learn new recipes from your mother. Try speaking to your grandparents more often, if you are lucky to have them till now. Listen to those piece of advice. Believe me it's a treasure. Since, I have lost my grandfather recently, I still regret not spending lot of time with him which I could have. 

4. Siblings; where did they come from?

So your siblings are very differnt from you in everything now and you don't like to speak to them often. You earn more than them and hang around with differnt kind of people altogether. It happens. You can keep the differnces aside and talk on the common things. Take out the younger ones for shopping. Play those childhood games once in a while to refresh your bondings. Plan a surprise for your parents together. Remember, they are the first friends god gifted you. This treasure can never be replaced. 

5. Listening to that godfather's advice?

We all find some people really impressive and look forward to have an identity similar to them. We start believing in everything they say but do you realize what damage this person is unkowingly capable of inflicting on you. You change the trajectory of life. You live it their way and not your way. Beware of this. Apply your head. Your life's aim is not success in a conventional way, it's something very personal. Listen to people but you don't need to follow everything they say. What all matters is a drop of sweat after hard work and that million dollar smile you crave for. You get it in your own way and may be not their way. For you, it could be just a running session in the morning or dancing incessantly till morning, for them it could be solving complex sudoku for hours. Get rid of godfather.

Oflate I am trying these and it is making me really happy. I would continue adding to the list. I am sure I would sail through like I have always. Happy sailing to you too. 

Oscillating pangs(Part 2)

They say the world stops,

For me it moves,

Against the inertia,

Slower and gradual,

With the connecting dots

Line or a full stop?